A Failure of a Missionary

     I was speaking with a friend of mine recently about why it was hard to come home. There are such feelings of failure from letting others down. There are also greater feelings of personal failure; of not being the person we believe we are supposed to be. I felt a great personal failure myself because I felt my faith was too weak. I believed that if I had just a little more faith, I would have been healed and wouldn't have come home early. I failed because I lacked sufficient faith.

     The night before I flew home, I was in tears believing that I was a failure, that I was a screw-up, that I was hopeless. I believed that it took all 24 months for a missionary to become the spiritual giant that we all believe all RMs are. I remember listening at homecoming talks and hearing how much so-and-so changed and how much Elder Someone really grew up on his mission. I remember hearing people say that boys needed to serve missions to really mature and become responsible husbands and fathers. I came home without any hope of being one of those grown up and mature men.

     I came home and pretty much felt the exact same as when I left! I can honestly say that I have a much stronger testimony; that I now know and not just believe! However, I'm not really that different of a person. I wish I was more charitable, more humble, more patient, but I'm not. Just like any missionary, I planned on being better, but in my eyes, I again failed.

     As I was studying one day, I came across Mosiah 5:2. King Benjamin was concluding his great discourse at the temple and the people spoke saying, "...Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our heart...". Once I read this verse, everything clicked.

     In my mind, the mission changes people. The mission causes one to develop a stronger testimony, better faith, more charity. I didn't know how, I just thought it did. I realized my entire thought process was wrong. It isn't the mission that changes someone, it's the Spirit. It's the spirit that enters your heart and helps you develop charity and strengthen your faith. It's all about the spirit. That's why so many do change on their mission. It's a time that you are constantly and consistently trying to draw closer to God. Because of the spirit that's present on a mission, a missionary will change.

     Becoming the spiritual giant that one would hope to become on their mission is possible at any stage of life as long as we involve the spirit. Whether we weren't able to serve, came home early, or served a full 18 or 24 months, we can still end up at the same place because of the merciful gift of the Holy Ghost. By drawing closer to the spirit, we will cause our hearts to be changed and we will become the sons and daughters of God. (Mosiah 5:7)

     A good friend of mine from the Florida Fort Lauderdale Mission once explained how. He described us all as imperfect molds that characterize who we are. The mold of Jesus Christ is quite perfect and it just so happens that the Holy Ghost fits into that mold. As we invite the spirit into our lives, He will try to fit into the mold that we are and will shave off all the uneven bumpy edges that we have until He fits perfectly; until we are just like Christ.

     We must always be trying to invite the Spirit. Through the basic truths that we were taught in Primary, He will come and change our hearts. As we attend the temple and our other church meetings, pray fervently, study the scriptures and serve others, He will come. Our hearts will change, and we will become a new person. We will become sons and daughters of God.



   

Hump Day Already???

     Exactly one year ago yesterday, it being the 23rd of June, I was giving my farewell talk. In one year from

It just so happens that on my hump day,
I would run into a camel!

today, I would have already been home for about two weeks if not for the illness. That being said, this would be about my hump day! Let the camels abound!

     It is totally unbelievable to think that it has already been one year and so much has happened! Having my farewell; going to the MTC; getting out of the MTC; entering the field; my sister Courtney comes home from her mission; so many doctors, appointments and tests; getting sent home; Mom's stay in the hospital for a couple days; Courtney gets married; I go back to the mission; more doctor's appointments; getting sent home again! It seems as if one thing after another happens to throw me off! I honestly just wanted to be a normal missionary with normal missionary problems! 

      My whole life, everything seemed to have gone pretty well. I mean I took the classes that I wanted. I had the jobs that I wanted. I was in the musical groups that I wanted. I did fun things like the Hill Cumorah Pageant Work Crew, like I wanted. I went on a mission right after high school, like I wanted. I my mind, I was doing the right things and so life should have just turned our perfectly right? I didn't realize that I was only doing what I wanted. The Lord understood that I needed something to happen that I didn't want if I was to learn a little more. 

     All growing up, I was told to be humble. Being the prideful teenager I was, I always assumed that it meant to not think I'm better than others and that is probably what others meant. Through my recent experiences, I came to learn a little more about what it means to have humility. To be humble is to truly submit to the Lord. To say, "Ok, I can't do this on my own. Lord, what will thou have me do in this time." It is to turn to Him willing to go through whatever He wants. Now I thought I was being pretty humble since I didn't have much of a choice in what happens. I couldn't control the effects of being sick just as much as I can't control the weather. But then I learned something a little bit more!

     In the Book of Mormon, we learn of the people of Alma. He and his followers were put in bondage to the Lamanite ruler, Amulon. He caused them to work and took away basic rights including the ability to pray to their God, so the people of Alma continued to pray in their hearts. In Mosiah chapter 24, we read that the Lord did comfort them and He strengthened them in their afflictions. He eased the burdens but He didn't take their burdens from them. The people continued on and "they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." They showed forth true humility not by merely carrying on with what they were already doing, but by becoming more positive in what was happening for they knew the Lord was with them. 

     So often in our difficulties and hardships, we pray and ask for a change in circumstances. We want someone's actions towards us to change or what is required of us to be altered. We may even ask that our illnesses be taken away from us. All to often, however, we forget that it would be much easier to ask for a change within; that the Lord will strengthen us to meet our tasks; that we may carry on cheerfully.When we turn to the Lord and ask him to change us through the Atonement, we become more capable to do whatever it is that He desires of us. We become true disciples of Jesus Christ and will more ready seek for and accept His will, however hard it may be.