So it appears that it's been quite a while since I last posted. I guess there have been so many feelings to work through this time that I just haven't been ready to blog about them yet. The first time I came home, I was so open because I knew what the plan was; I was so focused and ready for the future. This has been a whole different ball game!
So the other day, I was talking to one of my good high school friends and he asked a pretty broad question, "How do you feel about coming home early?" I took it to mean, "How do you feel about what others think about you coming home early?" Do I feel like I'm being judged? Do I get looked at differently? Am I treated wrong? They are all questions I actually get asked a lot and I guess for good reason. We live in a very wonderful Mormon society where it's expected to serve a full term mission and so many do. Being different or going against the norms of any culture definitely gets a second glance from others. Do I feel that I am being judged because of it? Not in any sense! Upon arriving home, I have been greeted with nothing but warm embraces and good wishes! So many friends and ward members show great understanding in what has occurred and what is to come. I haven't been met by anyone without having the best intentions.
No, nobody has made me feel guilty or shameful for not being able to serve, I make myself feel guilty. I explained to my friend, "The only guilt I feel is self-inflicted." I have ever too often had thoughts of 'What if I had just had more faith' or 'What if I just had endured a little longer'. They wear you down and create self doubt, feelings that Satan loves to have in your heart! Guilt is actually a tool that God gives us to help bring us down to repentance but where none is required, it's a tool used by the adversary to keep us from accepting the grace and mercy of our Savior. While such guilt has eaten at my soul for a while now, there are three things which have brought peace to my soul and understand to my mind; which have helped me to accept the love of our Father in Heaven more in my life.
1. My Missionary Call Letter
It's kind of an odd thought that the thing which is causing grief can also solve it. When I read through my letter, there is one important line which sticks out to me, and was actually skipped quite often! After it names all the awesome stuff about where you will go and which language you speak it states, "It is
anticipated that you will serve for a period of ____ months." There is that keyword - anticipated - and it is on every call letter; male or female, young or old. To me, it doesn't say
required or
expected of you to serve because the time isn't the important thing. They anticipate that you will serve that long and that's what they are planning on, but that doesn't determine what kind of missionary you will be or returned missionary
you are.
As the prophet continues on in that letter, it states the expectations of worthiness and obedience to the commandments and your purpose as a missionary because that is what is important. A missionary who can go out totally focused on his or her purpose to invite other's unto Christ will accomplish so much good. The missionary tool
Preach My Gospel states,
"Your success a missionary is measured primarily by your commitment to find, teach, baptize, and confirm people and to help them become faithful member of the church who enjoy the presence of the Holy Ghost."
Notice the word commitment because that is what matters. What determines your success is where your heart is.
President Brigham Young said,
"If you go on a mission to preach the Gospel with lightness and frivolity in your hearts, looking for this and that, and to learn what is in the world, ... you will go and return in vain ... Let your minds be centered on your missions."
The quality of service rendered means much more than the quantity given.
2. "When a Missionary Returns Home Early"
The other day, I was reading an article called ,"
When a Missionary Returns Home Early". There was a wonderful analogy shared about military service. "If soldiers rush into battle and are wounded on their first mission or 50th mission, they are treated the same. They are given medals. They are applauded for their service, no matter how long. Their brothers and sisters at arms risk their own lives to rescue and restore those soldiers to their homes. No one looks at them differently. No one says, “Well, you didn’t really help the war effort, did you?” or “Toughen up, man. It’s just a bullet.” These brave men and women are honored and respected for their service." It doesn't matter how long one served, but that they did serve; that they were willing to sacrifice so much to help others.
So many of the Lord's Soldiers go out these days and return home because they were wounded in the
service. Whether because of anxiety, depression, injury or illness, they still served honorably. I recently looked through my Facebook friend list and counted 21 people who I know that have returned home early from their mission. Not one of them should be determined by what they didn't do, but what they did. They were still willing to give a good 2 years or 18 months to serve the Lord and that is admirable. Someone told me once, "Well hey! Very very few people in the world can say that they were willing to give God even the nine months that you did." How true that is. Even those that could only do a little, still gave so much!
I know I shared it before, but one of my favorite scriptures, D&C 124:49 says,
"Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their diligence, and their enemies come upon them and hinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings."
The Lord will accept even the small offerings! He accepted the widows mite and He sure will accept mine!
3. The Faith Not to be Healed
While I was out, my brother sent me a transcript of a CES Devotional by Elder David A. Bednar entitled
That We Might Not Shrink". In the devotional he shares the experience of visiting a couple in the hospital. The couple were young and had been married only three weeks when the young man John was diagnosed with bone cancer. He underwent many surgeries and treatments for the aggressive cancer. When Elder Bednar went and visited, they asked if he would give John a blessing. Elder Bednar agreed but wanted to ask some questions first. The questions that came out surprised even the Apostle. He asked, "John, do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?"
That especially hit me when I read it. This article came to me at a time when I had undergone many different tests and treatments and had received many Priesthood Blessings. I was starting to wonder why the Lord wasn't answering my pleas to be healed so that I could serve Him more. I then had to ask myself, "Elder Millett, do you have the faith not to be healed? If it's not the will of the Lord that you become well and serve the rest of your mission, can you go home and hold your head high, relying on the Lord to help you through?"
That is when it all came together. My view widened to understand that it wasn't just the illness that was my trial, but what would come after. My faith wasn't weak nor was my resolve loosened, but my goal had then become changed. It wasn't just to be the best missionary I could be, working as hard as I could; my goal was to be the best disciple of Jesus Christ I could. Come what may and love it!
I came home and pretty much felt the exact same as when I left! I can honestly say that I have a much stronger testimony; that I now know and not just believe! However, I'm not really that different of a person. I wish I was more charitable, more humble, more patient, but I'm not. Just like any missionary, I planned on being better, but in my eyes, I again failed.
A good friend of mine from the Florida Fort Lauderdale Mission once explained how. He described us all as imperfect molds that characterize who we are. The mold of Jesus Christ is quite perfect and it just so happens that the Holy Ghost fits into that mold. As we invite the spirit into our lives, He will try to fit into the mold that we are and will shave off all the uneven bumpy edges that we have until He fits perfectly; until we are just like Christ.
