The Guilt of Coming Home Early

     So it appears that it's been quite a while since I last posted. I guess there have been so many feelings to work through this time that I just haven't been ready to blog about them yet. The first time I came home, I was so open because I knew what the plan was; I was so focused and ready for the future. This has been a whole different ball game!
     So the other day, I was talking to one of my good high school friends and he asked a pretty broad question, "How do you feel about coming home early?" I took it to mean, "How do you feel about what others think about you coming home early?" Do I feel like I'm being judged? Do I get looked at differently? Am I treated wrong? They are all questions I actually get asked a lot and I guess for good reason. We live in a very wonderful Mormon society where it's expected to serve a full term mission and so many do. Being different or going against the norms of any culture definitely gets a second glance from others. Do I feel that I am being judged because of it? Not in any sense! Upon arriving home, I have been greeted with nothing but warm embraces and good wishes! So many friends and ward members show great understanding in what has occurred and what is to come. I haven't been met by anyone without having the best intentions.
     No, nobody has made me feel guilty or shameful for not being able to serve, I make myself feel guilty. I explained to my friend, "The only guilt I feel is self-inflicted." I have ever too often had thoughts of 'What if I had just had more faith' or 'What if I just had endured a little longer'. They wear you down and create self doubt, feelings that Satan loves to have in your heart! Guilt is actually a tool that God gives us to help bring us down to repentance but where none is required, it's a tool used by the adversary to keep us from accepting the grace and mercy of our Savior. While such guilt has eaten at my soul for a while now, there are three things which have brought peace to my soul and understand to my mind; which have helped me to accept the love of our Father in Heaven more in my life.

1. My Missionary Call Letter

     It's kind of an odd thought that the thing which is causing grief can also solve it. When I read through my letter, there is one important line which sticks out to me, and was actually skipped quite often! After it names all the awesome stuff about where you will go and which language you speak it states, "It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of ____ months." There is that keyword - anticipated - and it is on every call letter; male or female, young or old. To me, it doesn't say required or expected of you to serve because the time isn't the important thing. They anticipate that you will serve that long and that's what they are planning on, but that doesn't determine what kind of missionary you will be or returned missionary you are.

      As the prophet continues on in that letter, it states the expectations of worthiness and obedience to the commandments and your purpose as a missionary because that is what is important. A missionary who can go out totally focused on his or her purpose to invite other's unto Christ will accomplish so much good. The missionary tool Preach My Gospel states,

 "Your success a missionary is measured primarily by your commitment to find, teach, baptize, and confirm people and to help them become faithful member of the church who enjoy the presence of the Holy Ghost."

 Notice the word commitment because that is what matters. What determines your success is where your heart is. President Brigham Young said,

"If you go on a mission to preach the Gospel with lightness and frivolity in your hearts, looking for this and that, and to learn what is in the world, ... you will go and return in vain ... Let your minds be centered on your missions."

 The quality of service rendered means much more than the quantity given.

2. "When a Missionary Returns Home Early"

     The other day, I was reading an article called ,"When a Missionary Returns Home Early". There was a wonderful analogy shared about military service. "If soldiers rush into battle and are wounded on their first mission or 50th mission, they are treated the same. They are given medals. They are applauded for their service, no matter how long. Their brothers and sisters at arms risk their own lives to rescue and restore those soldiers to their homes. No one looks at them differently. No one says, “Well, you didn’t really help the war effort, did you?” or “Toughen up, man. It’s just a bullet.” These brave men and women are honored and respected for their service." It doesn't matter how long one served, but that they did serve; that they were willing to sacrifice so much to help others.
     So many of the Lord's Soldiers go out these days and return home because they were wounded in the
service. Whether because of anxiety, depression, injury or illness, they still served honorably. I recently looked through my Facebook friend list and counted 21 people who I know that have returned home early from their mission. Not one of them should be determined by what they didn't do, but what they did. They were still willing to give a good 2 years or 18 months to serve the Lord and that is admirable. Someone told me once, "Well hey! Very very few people in the world can say that they were willing to give God even the nine months that you did." How true that is. Even those that could only do a little, still gave so much!
     I know I shared it before, but one of my favorite scriptures, D&C 124:49 says,

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their diligence, and their enemies come upon them and hinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings."

 The Lord will accept even the small offerings! He accepted the widows mite and He sure will accept mine!

3. The Faith Not to be Healed

     While I was out, my brother sent me a transcript of a CES Devotional by Elder David A. Bednar entitled That We Might Not Shrink". In the devotional he shares the experience of visiting a couple in the hospital. The couple were young and had been married only three weeks when the young man John was diagnosed with bone cancer. He underwent many surgeries and treatments for the aggressive cancer. When Elder Bednar went and visited, they asked if he would give John a blessing. Elder Bednar agreed but wanted to ask some questions first. The questions that came out surprised even the Apostle. He asked, "John, do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?"
     That especially hit me when I read it. This article came to me at a time when I had undergone many different tests and treatments and had received many Priesthood Blessings. I was starting to wonder why the Lord wasn't answering my pleas to be healed so that I could serve Him more. I then had to ask myself, "Elder Millett, do you have the faith not to be healed? If it's not the will of the Lord that you become well and serve the rest of your mission, can you go home and hold your head high, relying on the Lord to help you through?"
     That is when it all came together. My view widened to understand that it wasn't just the illness that was my trial, but what would come after. My faith wasn't weak nor was my resolve loosened, but my goal had then become changed. It wasn't just to be the best missionary I could be, working as hard as I could; my goal was to be the best disciple of Jesus Christ I could. Come what may and love it! 

Hump Day Already???

     Exactly one year ago yesterday, it being the 23rd of June, I was giving my farewell talk. In one year from

It just so happens that on my hump day,
I would run into a camel!

today, I would have already been home for about two weeks if not for the illness. That being said, this would be about my hump day! Let the camels abound!

     It is totally unbelievable to think that it has already been one year and so much has happened! Having my farewell; going to the MTC; getting out of the MTC; entering the field; my sister Courtney comes home from her mission; so many doctors, appointments and tests; getting sent home; Mom's stay in the hospital for a couple days; Courtney gets married; I go back to the mission; more doctor's appointments; getting sent home again! It seems as if one thing after another happens to throw me off! I honestly just wanted to be a normal missionary with normal missionary problems! 

      My whole life, everything seemed to have gone pretty well. I mean I took the classes that I wanted. I had the jobs that I wanted. I was in the musical groups that I wanted. I did fun things like the Hill Cumorah Pageant Work Crew, like I wanted. I went on a mission right after high school, like I wanted. I my mind, I was doing the right things and so life should have just turned our perfectly right? I didn't realize that I was only doing what I wanted. The Lord understood that I needed something to happen that I didn't want if I was to learn a little more. 

     All growing up, I was told to be humble. Being the prideful teenager I was, I always assumed that it meant to not think I'm better than others and that is probably what others meant. Through my recent experiences, I came to learn a little more about what it means to have humility. To be humble is to truly submit to the Lord. To say, "Ok, I can't do this on my own. Lord, what will thou have me do in this time." It is to turn to Him willing to go through whatever He wants. Now I thought I was being pretty humble since I didn't have much of a choice in what happens. I couldn't control the effects of being sick just as much as I can't control the weather. But then I learned something a little bit more!

     In the Book of Mormon, we learn of the people of Alma. He and his followers were put in bondage to the Lamanite ruler, Amulon. He caused them to work and took away basic rights including the ability to pray to their God, so the people of Alma continued to pray in their hearts. In Mosiah chapter 24, we read that the Lord did comfort them and He strengthened them in their afflictions. He eased the burdens but He didn't take their burdens from them. The people continued on and "they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." They showed forth true humility not by merely carrying on with what they were already doing, but by becoming more positive in what was happening for they knew the Lord was with them. 

     So often in our difficulties and hardships, we pray and ask for a change in circumstances. We want someone's actions towards us to change or what is required of us to be altered. We may even ask that our illnesses be taken away from us. All to often, however, we forget that it would be much easier to ask for a change within; that the Lord will strengthen us to meet our tasks; that we may carry on cheerfully.When we turn to the Lord and ask him to change us through the Atonement, we become more capable to do whatever it is that He desires of us. We become true disciples of Jesus Christ and will more ready seek for and accept His will, however hard it may be.